Seven Deadly Sins

Here are seven random, stupid things that happened to me, some from before I got religion (back). You can blame Share for this post. Numbers 4, 6 and 7 are PG13.

1. Poor taste
This is the reason Share tagged me with this, so here you go: If I happen on an Ace of Base song on the radio, not only do I not change the channel, I always turn it up.

2. Absentmindedness
My father-in-law calls me the Absent Minded Professor. Here are three absurd examples, all having to do with car keys.
a. I locked my keys in the car, in a parking lot, while the car was running, after I had backed out of the stall, 40 miles from any town.
b. I locked myself out of our house, called Bettie to ask her to come let me in, hung up, walked from the porch to the sidewalk, noticed my phone wasn't in my hand, looked for it and never found it.
c. I borrowed my mom's car once and parked it in my driveway. I walked straight to my room, where I noticed the keys weren't in my hand. I immediately started looking, but never found them.
Judging from where things usually turn up, that phone and those keys are probably in a pocket of the pants I'm wearing right now.

3. Be ye not prepared
Here are a few things I've done to Bettie on our family vacations.
a. Forgot to bring water, then got lost and stuck in the desert.
b. Ran out of gas in a National Forest 20 miles from town with a 14-month-old girl in the back seat.
c. Drove over a mountain pass in a Lincoln Continental with only one headlight, in a blizzard that dropped 6 inches of snow in an hour. Made it out, then, at the first hotel we stopped at, instead of checking in, I picked up a bum and drove around Bend Stupid Oregon for more than an hour looking for his hostel. Thankfully, we were pulled over by a cop, who informed us our headlight was out, gave us directions and wished us a pleasant honeymoon. That's right, honeymoon.

4. Rock and roll
My favorite concert I ever went to began at 2:30 a.m. and ended at 5:30 a.m. on a Tuesday night. Most of those who bought tickets -- and even the bartender -- went home before the band showed up. The band, Crash Worship if you really want to know, squirted wine from bags into people's mouths and flung black and red paint at the crowd.
The best part was after I left. I walked into McDonald's just as they opened -- totally wrecked, 24 hours without sleep, the paint making me look like I'd been beaten badly -- and asked for the employee discount on a Sausage Egg and Cheese biscuit.

5. Working for the Man.
Yes, I worked at McDonald's. I also worked at Denny's for six days and at a place where I scanned calling cards (I think I was the only boy) and at a dude ranch in North Carolina and in a gift shop at Mount Rainier.
And cooking at Big Sky ski resort, where I was shocked how many people were in it for the money. For instance, if it was slow, the manager would ask who wanted to leave. Duh, the lifts were running and we all had free season passes. My hand went up every time, but usually it was the only hand.
And for a 19-year-old kid and his uncle moving houses. They actually jacked the house up off the foundation and trucked it to a new location. My favorite time was when this farm-raised 19-year-old newlywed started the day by backing the big truck with the big winch onto a lawn despite a few inches of new snow, then spent three hours spinning the tires, telling me to stick a block here, dig there and push over there until the lawn was a deep, vast mudhole and the truck was hopelessly stuck. Then we went home, waited a few days, came back and dug the truck out.

6. Shoplifting
I once tried to hitchhike from Asheville, N.C., to New Orleans, for no reason. It was an utter failure. A highlight: Two guys picked me up, drove to WalMart, stole a fishing pole and sent me in to return it for cash. (I guess they were known there.) The checker said I needed the receipt and I said, 'OK. Thank you. Goodbye,' gave the guys "their" fishing pole and walked back to the highway a mile or two from where they picked me up. By Mobile, Alabama, I'd had enough and bought a bus ticket home, to Utah.

7. Very poor judgment
Here's a little story: There was once a girl who pawned her guitar, then accepted a cleaning job from the opportunistic pawn shop owner. She went but there was no work to do that day, so he just talked to her about his fabulous and frequent trips to Thailand, then paid her and told her to come back in two days, saying there would be some work to do then. It took three increasingly uncomfortable visits -- she had been invited on one of those Thai trips by the last one, but still hadn't found any cleaning to do -- for her to decide not to go back for any more "work."
What has this to do with me and my poor judgment? I was dating this girl when it happened.

All my dreams came true. But now I have a bunch of other dreams.

Fat Man, you're up.